Sunday, 12 May 2013

The Crop Top Challenge

On Wednesday I posted about how I was cranking up the challenge I set myself in January. Well if you don't know anything about that then basically I've always desired to have the guts to flash my 'mum tum'. I've lost weight, toned up but I still look and see so many imperfections. My aim is to help as many women, mums in particular feel good about themselves and embrace good health. To do that I thought I needed to make sure I exercised plenty and stuck to a healthy eating plan and share that. Until recently it hit me hard that those two ingredients aren't the only recipe for good health. More importantly is self worth, pride, respect, confidence, self-esteem the list is endless. You could be absolutely beautiful with a body to die for, but if you feel low when you look in the mirror then sadly your really not that healthy at all despite how hard you work on exercise or nutrition. You haven't paid any attention to your mental health and that's equally as important. I probably sound like a broken record repeating this, but you have to learn to love yourself. I'll hold my hands up and say I'm rubbish at this, until now. Today, right now as I'm typing this post I'm making a commitment to stop worrying about how I look or how I'm perceived and embrace any imperfections. Today I've decided to be proud of all I've achieved with trying to get fit and step out my comfort zone and achieve a goal of mine. The confidence to feel that good that I'd be able to flash my tummy. With the exception of the odd beach trip with just  my nearest and dearest it's something I haven't done since becoming a mum. Something I didn't really know if I'd ever do again. Something so simple, but something I get jealous of when I see others having the confidence and frame to do so. I've been beating myself up, telling myself "I haven't got the figure to do it", but the truth is I'm exhausted trying to get to perfect. It's not achievable, so do I give up on my goal or do I think screw it and embrace the pear shape, the stretch marks, the little wobble and bare all. You've guessed it, this crazy lady is getting her mid-section out. Eeeeeekkkkkk! Actually terrified!, but I know it's the final piece to good health to just be contented with how I am.  Contented that's all I crave. Sounds bliss, simple but perfect. 

So the new challenge isn't a photo-shoot (although I'm still hoping to do that at some point, saving some pennies up 1st), but now I'm actually making the challenge bigger. Nope, instead I'm challenging myself to do 'Race For Life' in a crop top. The thought alone is utterly worrying. All those insecurities start creeping back in, 'What if people think what on earth is she wearing, she hasn't got a good tummy for an instructor, she must love her self to wear that' and so on. The concerns come in thick and fast. However that's exactly why I need to do it. I'm utterly fed up of feeling that way. Feeling miserable following beautiful fitness professionals  and desiring to be them. Their confidence, their beauty and that attitude of I'm comfortable in my own skin. I want my slice of that. That isn't coming from losing more weight, getting any more toned but from acceptance  of the fact I am a mum now, I'm not 18 but actually I'm fine how I am. In fact I'm healthier and fitter than ever. I'm just guilty of one thing. I focus way too much on media perfection than reality. Reality is I've worked really hard to get into shape and I may not ever get any better. Reality is I need to love the skin I'm in because it maybe the best I'll ever achieve and that's fine. So I'm facing reality head on and instead of accepting my flaws I'm gonna love them anyway. I'm going to fight my insecurities and put my fingers up to' I don't look good enough to wear that' and do it anyway. It's the start of my journey to be satisfied as I am.

Work it Baby is something I'm so passionate about and having my own team for Race For Life is something that makes me want to burst with pride, but I'm sick of preaching to others about loving themselves when I'm frightened to love myself. It feels almost uneasy, cringey, perhaps ignorant, big headed to do so. What will others think?! Will they see vanity if I learn to love myself? How great it must feel to not worry about that. So that's enough of it. End of. I'm working on a chapter of not needing approval. Sod approval.  Screw it for a barrel of laughs as I'm going to love myself enough to pluck up the courage to do this. See you at Race For Life in my crop top. I believe when you aren't trapped by fear, your free. It's time for me to pluck up some courage. 5 weeks to go and counting *deep breaths*. I can do this!

Wish me luck and be kind about my display :P 

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Goodbye Depression, Goodbye Binge Eating

Eeeekkk so my last two posts were both over a month ago where I opened up about depression and binge eating. That time has flew by and I've just spent the last month beavering away and focusing on overcoming the two and not worrying about blog posts or other tasks but, just taking a break and just really focusing on health 1st and foremost. As soon as I did those posts I immediately felt liberated. I felt they were both so ridiculous, and so since then I'm been working on just being happy, but healthy (I'm feeling much better on the whole).  Shockingly though the binge eating has been the bigger challenge out of the two, but I'm almost there. Once I feel like I've completely kicked butt with that problem, I'll post my tips but I haven't quite got there yet....close, but not mission accomplished shall we say. I've had a few hiccups along the way, but I' m determined so I know I'll be able to post that blog when I'm ready. I'm not going to put any pressure on myself as I want to learn the process and grow from my experiences. I'm just finding the right balance now between healthy eating and not feeling deprived leading to a rebellious binge.

As for the depression, well I'm not so sure. There are days when I feel fine, good in fact and whilst I don't want to jinx in it there has been more good days than bad recently. Yay! I really feel like there is definitely a massive link between binge eating and the depression as battling the binge has definitely lifted my mood. For those of you that know my not so secret secret I've I've also had a internal and external ultrasound scan which picked up on Polycystic Ovaries, which can also be linked with depression. From what I'm reading (google-ing, it's never good - sometimes I convince myself I'm dying :p), there is links between Polycystic Ovary Syndrome and your mood/depression. The advice is to eat healthy and keep naughty sugars in check. The thing is when I eat less of these foods I do feel better, now I also know it's even more important for my health it makes it more paramount than ever to keep it up. I definitely feel between the depression, binge eating to the Polycystic Ovaries there is a lot of linkage between them all. 

The stupid thing is one of the reasons I got myself in this situation was due to worrying how I was always perceived by others. Stressing myself out and trying to always be better. Never just being OK with what I'd achieved or learnt.  The business which I loved was affected, I lost my way and my confidence as well as members. I literally felt like I'd been hit by a brick wall and that was it, the business was ending and it was just a matter of time. So I decided to go out on with a bang, to stop worrying if people didn't like me, my class, or felt I didn't look in good shape but to just enjoy it encase it might be the last. Funnily enough when I let all my worries go, because I felt I had nothing more to give things got better. Business is going well, don't get me wrong I have a long way to go but all in all things are going very well. Lots of amazing feedback , classes are getting full and I have plans for expansion. Who'd of thought it! My confidence is gradually increasing and I've set myself a HUGE challenge to overcome my physical insecurity demons left in the closet. When I say HUGE I mean it's not big as in noticeable to the world big deal, but to me on a personal level it's enormous. Let's just say the challenge I set myself in January has been cranked up a notch! 

I'm putting to bed my worries, other people's comments, the past and putting the final piece of the jigsaw in place to be healthy. 

Will post my new challenge asap, before I back out :P